James broke up with me on Saturday.
I was unprepared in some aspects and prepared in others.
Friday morning I put all of the clothes I had borrowed from him into the laundry. Then when I got home I packed up them, his non-refundable birthday gifts, his uncle’s book and some other stuff in a bag. I put it in the trunk of my car only for worst-case scenario purposes. Then, thankfully, I went out on Friday with friends and did not worry about it too much.
Saturday morning I woke up and took a shower. I was excited that I was finally going to see my boyfriend. I had another birthday gift coming in the mail and I had already re-designed my plans for his birthday celebration/poker game. I plugged in my straightener and was settling into the Best Week Ever when my cellphone sang my favorite part of that Justin Timberlake song. It was him.
I answered and was happy to tell him about my Friday night. I had already put the past fights behind me. We were ok. But after he told me about his evening and he became silent I knew that I was in trouble. His first question to me was to tell him what was on my mind. No way. I knew what was on my mind was probably different than what was on his. And I am a talker and I didn’t want to run with the conversation. So I refused to answer.
We went back and forth for a while about if we were going to meet up and talk face to face. He kept making excuses until finally telling me that I wouldn’t want to drive down here because I wouldn’t like what I was going to hear. My heart dropped. I gave up and asked him to just tell me then whatever it is he had to say. I should have stood my ground. I should have told him to come up here and do what needed to be done. To act like a man. But I didn’t.
And so he went through his list of excuses about how we are different; family life, socially, etc. He said that there was no time to see me and that was unfair to me. He said that sexually we were opposites. I was very into everything and he was not into much. I sat and I listened and I also had to pull the information from him. He had made the decision but was not interested in owning it and getting it done with? I was crying but I was not hysterical. I was mad but I did not yell at him. My weakest moment came when I asked if there was anything that I or we could do to fix this. I knew that there wasn’t anything but I asked anyway.
Then I was asked to tell him my side and it sounded somewhat foolish to tell him that I had always just assumed that they way we talked and the plans that we made would allow us to be together in the future. I told him I had not picked out China patterns or anything but I had at a time felt confident that we would be together for a long time. And then I asked him something I should have asked him a long time ago. I asked him what he saw in his future or if he ever thought about us in the future. His answer was that he had not thought about that. To any normal person who would have asked the question months ago it would have been a red flag. For me it was a white one. I surrendered to the idea of breaking up.
An hour later we hung up and I had my very first panic attack. I heaved and my shoulders shook and I could barely breathe. I was alone in my house and had no idea what to do or what was going to happen. I sent a text message to a few people. I stood up and walked to the computer and just robotically changed my MySpace profile from taken and covered in pictures to James to single and out there looking. I e-mailed my bestfriend and some other people. Then I cried some more. Texts and calls came in throughout the day. My family got home and everyone embraced me. Even my father spoke to me for the first time in five months. Everyone I knew was genuinely concerned about me. Some people made very valid points when we spoke, some said very nice things about the relationship and others couldn’t believe that I was not angry.
How could I be angry? Here was a guy who I had loved so much that I would have done anything for. He has decided that he does not love me anymore and that he cannot be with me. It was the truth. And to be fair, after looking back at this relationship we weren’t as happy and as perfect as I made us out to be. Any man who will never, in any circumstances, put his girlfriend first is not boyfriend or husband material. There are times in everyone’s lives where that will happen. Just not in his. Some of our wonderful events or dates were only about 99.9998% wonderful when looking back. Take for instance; Yllek’s wedding when I was very ill. Yes, he took care of me all night but his commitment to his team the next morning was still more important than waiting for my mother to pick me up and get me home. Did you know that for months I had been thinking about that day and how wonderful it was in a way to convince myself that he loved me? Oh how wrong I was.
Also, there were so many things that I found fun in my life that he did not. He wasn’t into roller coasters and so we could never go to my favorite place – Hershey Park. Walking a five-block radius in New York City hurt his knees so we could never travel around Times Square in winter like I’d want. He was not a fan of the beach and so we could never take a relaxing romantic journey there either. Plus, I doubt any of those events would have happened without him being attached to his cellphone when one of the boys called. I don’t mean to be rude but his friends were always more important to me. In the beginning he was nice and shut off the phone. Towards the middle the phone would be on. Then at the end, he’d take the calls.
Breaking up was for the best. I know that now. I know that I was making him to be someone he never was. I was in love with him. I would have done anything to make him happy. But when it really comes down to it, I don’t believe he would have done the same for me.
The hardest times for me came on Saturday when I’d reach out and grab my neck. I’d go for the eternity circle necklace he gave me on Christmas. Unfortunately, I had taken it off after I hung up. I knew it was the right thing to do and I also plan on returning it to him. But it honestly makes me cry every time I reach for it. Crying, though, pisses me off, too. I know it’s the right decision for us to break up but yet I still cry? Why? I can’t understand it. I’ve also stopped eating (my stomach feels like a mess) and I haven’t slept. THIS WAS THE RIGHT THING FOR US! Ugh. I just don’t understand my reactions. I am a strong woman who has been dumped before. I move on and I get over it. Not much more to say about it.
What I will say is how ironic the whole thing is. I was dumped in high school by my boyfriend of a year after going to the SteamTown Mall for the first time. My boyfriend in college dumped me after I purchased for him the WTC signed poster he would die over for Christmas (oh and the Oakley’s that cost me a fortune). A guy who had no time for me and only had time for his friends and golfing dumped me another time. I was also dumped after spending some time in the hospital for female health issues. Hmm, I just purchased a kick-ass Gymkata XL movie poster for James’ birthday. I was heading to the SteamTown Mall for the second trip ever this weekend. He had no time for me, friends only. I have my next surgery appointment in less than a month for something that he could have possibly given me…(something I regret not telling him). It’s just a sea full of ironies here.
But like I said, this was for the best. I was violently awoken from this fairy tale I thought I was living. I was wrong. I was mistaken. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t love him. I just realize now that my love was very one-sided and skewed.
Rough, illogical days are ahead. The dye for the magical poker cookies will arrive soon and in a few weeks so will the Gymkata poster. The season finale of the Office is coming up, too. Not to mention the fact that someone I’ve been speaking to almost everyday for the past year and a half is now gone from my life. It’ll be tough but I will get through it with the help of my family and friends. I just hope they will be patient with me.
