When I was 19, I had to go the hospital because my doctor was convinced my appendix was about to burst. I was having extreme abdominal pain and was extremely uncomfortable. They had stopped after seeing my doctor but her orders were that if I got them again I would have to go to the E.R. And yes, when they first started I didn’t say anything because I was scared. They didn’t go away and so finally I said something and we loaded into the car and headed for the E.R. down in Allentown. 17th and Chew, I think. We got there and they ran a couple tests. I wanted my mother in the room with me because I was so nervous. It was then that she found out my horrible secret – I was not a virgin. Good times to say the least. After a couple more tests they determined that I needed to be admitted. I was told to try and get some sleep and then in the middle of the night an ambulance showed up and took me to Lehigh Valley Hospital. I remember one thing from the ambulance ride. Ok, two things. I remember how cold it was outside the hospitals but I also remember passing HamFam on my way to the next hospital. When I arrived I was set up for more tests including an MRI to look at my appendix. I spent over 24 hours in the hallway of the E.R. there before getting a room. They determined it was not appendicitis and instead was some sort of inflammatory pelvic disease. Common in women. During that three day stay at the hospital, I had my first gynecological exam. It wasn’t as scary as my mother always made it seem to be. It was normal. When I got released from the hospital I made a few decisions. A.) The current Boyfriend had to go because he couldn’t drive 15 minutes to visit me in the hospital. B.) I needed to go regularly for my OBGYN check up.
I kept my word (on both accounts) and now I go every year. Until recently (and due to scheduling conflicts) my visits used to be in January. Why not start off the year with a clean bill of health. Seemed like a smart plan. This year between crazy periods and other crazy things in my life I did not get into see my doctor until the end of March. Much later than I’d had like. This was when the period decided to go missing for awhile and when I was super stressed with life, love and everything else.
My doctor, he’s crazy. He is a short bald old man. He never really asks me alot of questions but he’s always nice to me. He was so funny the first time I asked to go on the pill. Condoms were my birth control for like, three years, when I had asked and he really saw no reason to put me on the Pill. But I wanted to try it and so he gave me a prescription. Sure I ended up hating it but what can you do? He just never recommends things to me or anything. He basically let’s me do what I like.
So I went in this March for my appointment and I told him about the missing period. He wasn’t worried and told me about how stress can make it go away for a long time (up to six months). He checked me out and then gave me my new birth control prescription. One that was going to solve some of my problems. I was in and out of there in less than 15 minutes. Painless. I was surprised when my phone rang about two weeks later. It was the office telling me I had an abnormal pap smear and that I needed to come back for a colopscopy. I had never heard of that and the woman on the phone fed me a lot of information. I barely retained any of it and just scribbled down what I could. Then she transferred me to the appointment line and I set it up. I hung up my cell phone and went to my car where I called James and cried and cried. I was basically going to the doctor so that he could paint my um….area, with vinegar. Bad cells would show up in white and if there were some a biopsy would be taken and sent off to a lab to see what was wrong.
Smart as I am, I got the very first open appointment and went in. It was a Friday and I was tired due to not sleeping and of course, worrying all night. I knew that the big C, Cancer, was part of the equation here. At least as a possibility. So I was scared. I sat in the waiting room amongst a big family who was there for a sonogram. Soon I was called into the room and got to tell my favorite nurse in a “ha ha, told you so” sort of way that my period had showed up. Next time she shouldn’t make such an “ohmigosh” face when I tell her it’s missing. Anyway, instead of having to completely disrobe I got to only lose the bottoms. I was perched on a rising stirrup table and lifted into the air. I really didn’t feel much of anything but I could still see the doctor when he furrowed his brow. If anything, they are all very good at explaining things because he told me next that he was going to take the biopsy. When he said it I felt tears welling up but I held them back. I was preparing for pain but there was none and soon it was all over. As I got dressed all I could think about was cancer and I started to cry. I took a minute or two to breathe and then left.
They told me I would hear in about a week so I tried to forget about Friday. By Thursday night it was all I could think about. On Friday I stared at my phone and wouldn’t leave my office for fear I’d miss the call. Well, the call never came. The weekend passed and soon Monday passed, too. At the urging of my boyfriend I decided that Wednesday would be the day that I called for information. Mid-e-mail to him, my phone rang on Wednesday morning. I knew it was the office. Once again I had to prepare to listen and so I grabbed my yellow tablet and wrote down what I could. I have to go back. I need to get cryosurgery. Basically they will freeze all those bad cells off? I’m also going to become a fountain for a few weeks until I heal. Then I’ll have to go back every 2-3 months for pap smears until 3 in a row come back positively clear. She said I do have the HP virus but that I have like two different strings of it. It’s going to go away on it’s own and there really is no medication for it. She also said that I was at Level 1. Level 4 is cancer. But she made sure to mention that I was closer to having a clean pap than to the cancer at Level 4. After all the information she transferred me to schedule the appointment. The earliest I could get in was for June 11th. Yes, I have over a MONTH before this is taken care of. I’m not very happy. When I got off the phone I called James to let him know what was going on. I didn’t cry but I was close. He was concerned and pissed off that I had to wait until June for the next appointment.
So now I sit and I wait. And it sits and waits inside of me. Nothing I enjoy thinking about. I don’t want it to get worse because I have to wait! After each procedure I have been banned from having sex. And although I can from now up until June I am not sure if I’ll even have the desire. I feel dirty and tainted in a way. I always prided myself about those appointments to prove that I was STD-free and in a sense “clean.”
On a brighter, slightly unrelated note. The Yasmin is helping. I only had two days of PMDD and it came only five days before my period. In addition though to the usual symptoms I realized that this month I got the anxiety portion. I was a mess. I mean it’s insane and I cannot imagine how it feels to be someone who gets regular panic attacks. I could not live with those. I would go to bed during these moments and just feel so hopeless that I had no control over anything. It was horrible. But it was also gone pretty much right after it started. Unlike before when it was drawn out.
